her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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