Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
