you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
