why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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