A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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