he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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