Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
