Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
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Rumble strips road head = magical
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
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Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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