Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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