I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
