Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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