so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
