I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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