my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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