Ketchup is God's man juice
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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