Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
