i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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