If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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