So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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