Don't make out with my wife yet
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
