I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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