Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
