Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
