there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
