I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
