he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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