He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
