Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
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He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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