my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
