i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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