your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
