I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude i'm inner monologue high
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
