I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
