Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
