No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
