Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
