My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
