im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
