My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
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