I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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