Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
