did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I am available for nakedness
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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