it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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