She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
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thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
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Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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