note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
