Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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