If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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