Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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