I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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