and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
