The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
