Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you would pick up someone in the library
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
