i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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