Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
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I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
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I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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