Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
whose parrot is this?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
