oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
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I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
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My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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